snippets of my life

Diary

In the Mind of Depression

The world shall never know...

I wore a mask. A mask that hid my true emotions. I didn't want people to know I was down, let alone letting them know that I was on the verge of tears. It's going to make the situation super awkward. What would they think of me?

Those thoughts would lead me straight to the fridge or the cupboard, and I would binge. And then Brain realized. I didn't approve of that! No no. And down the drain everything went.

I was good. No. I was great. Nobody suspected a thing. Not a single thing. Actually, I thought it was normal. It's part of human nature to feel down. Until the end of year 2015. I was probably in the worst part of my life. The mental burden from work was tremendously giant. I couldn't seek comfort to my fiancé because, well, there was a 10,000-mile distance separating us. Literally. Every night, I would come home, dashed straight to the bedroom, and sobbed away with a dark cloud. I can't do anything right. I'm useless. I'm such a burden for everyone. I quit!

This dark cloud sometimes came, and then it went away. But then it started following me for a couple of days, then weeks, and eventually months. It never dawned on me that anything was wrong. I thought I was just feeling blah about work, until one night, my dad came into my room and sat on the bed. He asked, "You've seemed very.... Unusual lately. What's wrong?"

I sat on my bed, silent. And cried an ocean. I couldn't reply. I didn't know what to tell him.

After that night, I decided to speak to a professional, and finally discovered this thing called depression. A topic that has stayed silent for a very long time. Not a lot of people talk about it. I guess I can kind of understand why.

Firstly. It's nothing to be proud of. Secondly. People usually just brush the topic off. "Snap out of it! Just distract yourself with cat videos on YouTube or something." Well I can't. I might crack a smile once in a while, or maybe give out kind of a whisper of "ha!" laughter. But after that video is done, I'll go back to my original state.

Depression was taking over my life's steering wheel. It led me to places where I did not want to go. It jeopardized my relationship. God bless Kyle (who was then still my fiancé and now my newly-wedded husband) for being such a patient man. Why, thank you. That was me assuming that you've just congratulated us on our wedding.

Anyway, when I found out about me suffering from depression, I made a decision to tell someone. I've got to! I wanted to tell Kyle, but... It felt wrong telling him over a text, or video chat. I decided to tell my sister.

"Hey!" I came into her room one night.

"Sup!" she replied. She's not really that cool. I'm guessing she was just lazy to reply in full sentences.

I sat down next to her bed, "I want to quit." And again, tears rushing down my eyes. "I feel very unappreciated. Worthless. Depressed."

It continued to hours and hours of deep talk. Strangely, I felt so relieved after our talk. I started to feel like I wasn't alone. And eventually I told Kyle. It was scary. I didn't know what his reaction would be. He was so understanding. And so helpful.

I talked to a professional. Months went by, and the world seemed so bright and sunny. And all was fine and dandy. But it came back...

Just last week, I started to feel bleh. I brushed it off with naps. Still felt bleh. Eh... Maybe I'm just bored. Then it peaked.

Yesterday, I woke up, feeling as if there was a storm coming inside my hand. It was cloudy. Dark. I pretty much hid myself under the blanket the entire day. And I started crying out of nowhere. Later in the day, Kyle pretty much dragged me out of the house, and took me for a walk, one of our favorite things to do together.

"Bring your camera," he suggested.

That walk reminded me how beautiful the world is. How I love photography. And eventually thinking about all the things I love, like experimenting in the kitchen. I made a solemn promise to myself that I WILL get better. I will keep on doing what I'm passionate about. And share it to the world.

It's also made me realize how important it is to tell someone. Let someone know what's going on, whether you're having an episode. Otherwise, you'll feel even more alone than you've already been feeling. You'll end up stop doing any social activities, and burrito yourself under the blanket. 

Not everyone has the same strategy to combat depression. I think getting out of the house, breathing that fresh air, and just walk, help me calms down my mind. I would love to hear any suggestions, or other tips to chase away that dark cloud :)